Hello,
I have been thinking a lot this week about resilience. Specifically, resilience to ableism.
Yesterday, I gave a talk to a charity for disabled people and their families, about looking after your mental health while fighting for your rights and/or needs.
I am by no means the expert here, because I routinely forget to do the things that help, or even forget that I need to look after myself at all. Nevertheless, I think I was able to offer some insight into my mental health toolkit, which broadly consists of:
Frankly ridiculous amounts of physical rest
Speaking to friends and family about the toll of being a disabled person in a nondisabled world
Allowing myself to be sad/angry/anxious
Seeking community support
Weekly therapy and some pretty strong anti-anxiety medication
I’m pretty sure that without these five pillars of support propping me up, the whole thing would come crashing down and I would not be doing much of anything, let alone enjoying my work or having a lot of fun with my mates. But the good news is, this stuff works, and enables so much good stuff that I feel absolutely no shame in saying: this is what I do to get by.
The other thing I emphasised in my talk was that sometimes you can have a whole box of tools to look after yourself and still end up struggling, because no one has an infinite well of resilience and sometimes ableism and disabled life really whacks you round the head. Not being able to handle it all the time doesn’t mean you’re failing so much as it shows just how often you do cope.
As often happens in my work-is-life-and-life-is-work world, I probably needed to remind myself of this just as much as those families needed to hear it from me.
Broadly, I am doing very well at the moment; excited about potential new projects and enjoying life beyond work too. And I really do feel like I am good at reaching into that toolbox to look after myself and maintain the resilience I have built up over the years. When several PAs were sick last week, I took an anxiety tablet, covered their shifts, cancelled that day’s energy-intensive work plans, and moaned about it to my (extremely patient) friends, without it derailing my brain. This is progress.
Still, some stuff is happening at the moment that is requiring a lot of my resilience and mental fortitude. I may or may not write about it at some point, but for now let’s just say I have decided to face the ghost of ableism past in a way that is simultaneously really positive, exciting and so terrifying I have temporarily forgotten how to sleep. I’m really glad I’m doing it and really, really proud of myself, but I am devoting a huge proportion of my resilience fund to this one thing, leaving not much left over for anything else.
What I’m trying to remember is that, while I do this big scary thing, it’s ok to need more rest, to reach out for community support more, to let my friends look after me, and not to fight other battles that can wait. Understanding that resilience to disabled life is not some gift bestowed from on high but a resource I can build enables me to show myself some compassion when the well is getting dry and find another source of water. I’m really glad this was a lesson I got to share with those families yesterday, and now all of you, because I needed to hear it again, too.
See you next week,
Lucy
Find more hard-learned lessons about disabled life in my book…
Women's lives are shaped by sexism and expectations. Disabled people's lives are shaped by ableism and a complete lack of expectations. But what happens when you're subjected to both sets of rules?
This powerful, honest, hilarious and furious memoir from journalist and advocate Lucy Webster looks at life at the intersection; the struggles, the joys and the unseen realities of being a disabled woman. From navigating the worlds of education and work, dating and friendship; to managing care; contemplating motherhood; and learning to accept your body against a pervasive narrative that it is somehow broken and in need of fixing, The View From Down Here shines a light on what it really means to move through the world as a disabled woman.
"The other thing I emphasised in my talk was that sometimes you can have a whole box of tools to look after yourself and still end up struggling, because no one has an infinite well of resilience and sometimes ableism and disabled life really whacks you round the head. Not being able to handle it all the time doesn’t mean you’re failing so much as it shows just how often you do cope."
thank you for this. It's heckin' relevant for me right now and basically the conversation I had with my wife last night. I have a meditation practice of over fifteen years, I have a really regular sleep schedule I don't even disrupt on holidays, I have a regular exercise routine, I eat all the things I'm told should help reduce anxiety and stress, I build breaks into my day. I have a therapist and a massage therapist and I'm on meds to support with anxiety AND sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes it doesn't matter because yeah, everything builds up just a little more than a single human can handle and once those adrenal glands are set to Alarm Mode, well...that's it.
So...thank you for this. I needed the reminder that I am not the only one and never will be.