'What do you need?'

A powerful question for disability allyship

Hello,

Last week I gave an International Women’s Day talk to the lovely staff at Gousto, the meal kit company. I gave an introduction to the basics of disability awareness - why it matters, the social model, inclusive language, etc - and then we had a nice chat about how to be good allies to colleagues, customers and friends.

It was really great to see the enthusiastic way the staff engaged with the topic of disability - and to be reminded how worthwhile these conversations can be. I’m sure many activists can relate to the feeling of just saying the same thing over and over again and being unsure if you’re making any headway - and I think this can be especially acute when talking about disability, as often a session is the very first time people have engaged with it - but actually that might not be a bad thing. The basics aren’t the basics because they are simple or boring; they’re the basics because they work.

So I thought this week I’d share with you on of the easiest, most effective ways of being an ally, whether at work or socially. Which is, to just ask:

What do you need so this works for you?

This question works in basically every situation you could possibly encounter a disabled person in. A new employee at work? Yep. A girls’ holiday with mates? Yep. A date? Yep. Organising an event? Yep. After work drinks? A family dinner? A conference? Yep, yep, yep. All of these things can now be made accessible to whoever you’re inviting, and the disabled person in question can be reasonably confident that they will be at least included. Success all round.

It’s not just the effectiveness of this question that makes it so good, though. It also subverts all the bad ways we talk about disability, and puts the social model front and centre. It doesn’t pose a negative (“what are you unable to do?”) but instead a positive (“how do we make this possible?”). It moves responsibility for access from the shoulders of the disabled person and places it with society. It shows that we value inclusion. It proves that change and progress are possible.

It’s a really powerful phrase. We should all try and use it a whole lot more.

On a personal level, hearing this question in a professional or social setting makes me feel confident in asking for more than the bare minimum; not just step-free access but a loo I can use with ease and low-level background noise if I need to communicate with new people. It’s empowering and allows me to participate fully in whatever it is I’m doing, as well as quieting some of the background anxiety about access I always feel when I turn up somewhere new. It’s a great feeling.

Hearing the question from my friends, however, is a whole different thing. It’s warm and comforting. When a close friend was booking a wedding venue last year, she asked me not only what I needed but what would make access easy. “I want you to have a day when you don’t even think about it,” she said. But what I heard was at once much simpler and much more profound, because what that sentence really meant was: I love you.

I told you it was powerful.

Speak soon,
Lucy

---

Learn more about disability inclusion with my book

Women's lives are shaped by sexism and expectations. Disabled people's lives are shaped by ableism and a complete lack of expectations. But what happens when you're subjected to both sets of rules?

This powerful, honest, hilarious and furious memoir from journalist and advocate Lucy Webster looks at life at the intersection; the struggles, the joys and the unseen realities of being a disabled woman. From navigating the worlds of education and work, dating and friendship; to managing care; contemplating motherhood; and learning to accept your body against a pervasive narrative that it is somehow broken and in need of fixing, The View From Down Here shines a light on what it really means to move through the world as a disabled woman.