Hello,
I wasn’t going to write about last week’s viral podcast clip of three boys discussing whether they’d stay with a girl who’d been “mangled” in a car accident, because a) I didn’t want to give the idiots too much airtime, and b) thinking about it is simply exhausting. But we all know that I am incapable of not speaking my mind and, unsurprisingly, the whole thing has got under my skin. So, here we are.
There are so many things to say, but I would like to start with a message for any younger disabled women or girls who may be reading this:
The problem isn’t you. It’s not disability. Or, even, really, ableism. Well, not by itself, anyway.
The problem is men.
The problem is always, and has always been, men. Or, specifically, a certain sort of men. And sexism, and what it has taught said men about women and relationships.
I break this down much more in my book (which you should buy!), but there are several things that men seem to believe about dating that render disabled women “undateable”:
Women’s value is solely based on how attractive they are and what they can do for you
Disabled women are by default unattractive and of no use
Lots of things go into this (desexualisation, gender roles, etc - again, it’s all in the book), but that’s what it boils down to: a toxic, grimy combination of ableism and unreconstructed sexism.
The whole episode left me feeling sick to my stomach and, if I’m honest, I had a little cry. It was all too reminiscent (read: exactly the effing same) as the conversations I had on Tinder while at university, a full decade ago.
But, once I’d shaken off the nausea, I couldn’t help but think: well, that’s my work for the past few years absolutely vindicated, isn’t it? The entire premise of the book and many, many articles encapsulated in a roughly one-minute clip.
As it happens, my own life has also been vindicating me in more profound and decidedly nicer ways. You may remember that a few weeks ago I wrote here that I signed up for queer matchmaking, and was feeling a lot of, er, trepidation about the wave of ableism I truly believed would inevitably come my way.
Well, spoiler alert: it hasn’t.
Isn’t that wild? The types of people I’m dating are, broadly, similar. My body is, it should go without saying, as it ever was. General societal norms are, clearly, exactly the same. All that’s changed is the gender and sexuality of the people I am meeting. It’s quite a lot to process, but it is one of the many reasons that I am absurdly happy to be gay.
Anyway, back to the broader point. This newsletter is about dismantling ableism and equipping you, lovely readers, to be disability allies. As if one were needed, this whole podcast clip debacle serves as a reminder that we can’t make progress on ableism unless we recognise the ways it is coloured and multiplied by sexism.
Disabled women and girls need us to tackle both.
Speak soon,
Lucy
Women's lives are shaped by sexism and expectations. Disabled people's lives are shaped by ableism and a complete lack of expectations. But what happens when you're subjected to both sets of rules?
This powerful, honest, hilarious and furious memoir from journalist and advocate Lucy Webster looks at life at the intersection; the struggles, the joys and the unseen realities of being a disabled woman. From navigating the worlds of education and work, dating and friendship; to managing care; contemplating motherhood; and learning to accept your body against a pervasive narrative that it is somehow broken and in need of fixing, The View From Down Here shines a light on what it really means to move through the world as a disabled woman.