Balancing act

Hello! And happy Friday.

Yesterday I saw a tweet from my lovely friend Hannah about the irony involved in her ADHD brain liking to be busy but her disabled body liking rest and I thought: “oh my god, same.”

For me, it’s chronic anxiety that means I am much happier doing a million things at once. But, you know, cerebral palsy that means I have to spend an unreasonable proportion of my time on the sofa.

A conundrum.

I have absolutely never, not once, found the right balance between these competing demands. Having spent my early 20s being so busy I made myself ill, I have spent the past few years (even out of lockdown) not doing enough.

I spent a lot of January feeling a bit blue and overwhelmed but also fairly sick of my own flat. And my own brain. So I have decided to do more stuff, and even to do more stuff spontaneously, which is hard to do as a disabled person (because of care, access and pain) but perhaps not so hard as to be impossible.

A case in point: last weekend, my PA and I decided to have a look for some last minute theatre tickets. I’ve always maintained this would be a pointless exercise because there are so few accessible tickets that they must all be booked well in advance. But, it turns out, I was wrong. Not only did we find some, we found some for The Book Of Mormon, which I’d wanted to see for years (it was great, you should go).

It made me wonder how much stuff I’ve missed out on because I assumed the logistics would be too hard. So this week I’ve accepted invitations to several press events, finally got my arse in gear to organise going to this year’s Naidex disability conference, and - wait for it - secured some Beyoncé tickets!

And do you know what? I feel a whole lot better. Having stuff to look forward to really is good for the old grey matter.

I am worried, though, that I have swung the pendulum too far the other way. It’s hard to tell how my body will react to all this doing. And with a fast-approaching book deadline and a few commissions under my belt, I can’t really afford an exhaustion crash right now.

But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I also think, maybe, finally, I have learned how to manage that risk by resting as much as possible when I’m not busy (as soon as I finish this newsletter, I am decamping to the sofa).

Ultimately, though, I think I’m finally accepting that there isn’t a balance to find. I can either be happy and exhausted or well-rested and bored. Just because I pick one option for a while doesn’t mean it’s the one I have to choose next week; I can go between them. I’ve been prioritising my body for a while, which is good, and now I’m going to prioritise my brain for a bit, which is also good. I’ll switch back when I need to. And enjoy the ride in the meantime.

There’s lots of disabled joy to be had in both.

See you next week,
Lucy

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